One year, 365 days, 12 months, 52, weeks, 8760 hours since I have seen your face or heard your voice my love. I can still hear your boisterous laugh and feel your gregarious spirit every day. Not a day goes by that thoughts of you don’t cross my mind. I hear a song, or see a picture or go to a familiar place. I am so blessed to have had that time with you, those sweet moments that will forever be engrained into my subconscious. I re-live every last minute of that day in my head many times over. I go through our conversations and our text messages and listen to your voice mail. I can still see you standing there that fateful morning as I kissed you goodbye and heading out the door for work, neither of us realizing it would be the last time we saw each other.
The natural thing to do in a season of pain and suffering is to find a way out, to mask it, to work around it, to hide it, to drink it away, drug it away, or wish it away. The most difficult thing to do is face it head on and live through it. It’s a task, when faced head on with the help of others can lead to enlargement and not diminishment. I allowed others to carry me, I became vulnerable to them as my shock and grief took over. I watched almost as I hovered above myself as those around me performed the everyday mundane tasks that I simply could not handle. I watched them scurry in and out of our house bringing food, mowing the lawn, and running errands. It was an easy thing for them to take on a small simple task to help in some way because they knew the pain and suffering I was feeling inside would last a lifetime.
I have survived the past year without you Tony Rex, I have grieved you and all the secondary losses in profound ways. I never knew that a human can feel so much pain and suffering but it’s what you do with that pain that either allows growth or continuous adversity. I choose to take that pain and allow myself to feel it, express it, and walk through it. I choose to grow through that pain and allow GOD to expand my heart, mind and spirit. It was not an easy choice. I choose to have as much gratitude as possible for each of my days on Earth. I choose to move FORWARD and carry your spirit with me. I choose to live and find joy and happiness, not because it’s easy but because living in pain and grief is hiding from life, reality and allowing fear to win.
I have painful days and moments of sheer agony. However, I desire to press forward with courage and allow the present moments to absorbed into me as often as possible. I recognize we are only given these few precious moments in our physical life and it’s what we do with them that matters. I have become so grateful for our time together and the love we shared. I know you choose me to spend the rest of your life with and what a blessing that is. I had the privilege of being invited into your life and getting a small glimpse of what true, unabashed love felt like. Today, my life looks and feels vastly different than a year ago. I live in a different house, drive a different car, my kids are no longer living at home, and those that I choose to surround myself with are without a doubt made of love, compassion and character.
I have had blessings that could have only been created by GOD. The amount of love that surrounds me daily can’t be of any other Source. I know fear and failure are not options and Still I Rise.